Conversion vs. Conversation

Scumbag Socrates - Knows all the answers, only asks questionsThere was an interesting Lifehacker article recently that dealt with rhetoric in online discourse. It’s worth a read since I learned quite a bit. The Socratic method of asking questions really only works as a teaching method, and only if it’s with someone you’re not argrily arguing with online.

Anyway, I hear a lot of talk about trolls “converting” people. Let me explain to you something about conversion:

It doesn’t fucking happen.

There’s a phrase that goes “you’re preaching to the choir.” What that means is that you’re basically talking to people who already agree with you for the most part, and any conversation you have or article you read is going to affirm your view or give you a new perspective on it. You’re reading and discussing to learn or affirm. For example, people who read this blog probably already have some idea of what trolling is and what kinds of politically-incorrect hijinks and fun may happen.

On the flip side, what usually happens when you end up in a discussion with someone who already has their mind set on something? They’re seeking to push their opinion on you, and with the mindset of “conversion,” you on them. We’ve all done this, don’t fucking lie to yourself.

But it’s a mistake to go in and think you can change this person’s brain, and it gets little to nothing done. The only people who are paying attention are the lurkers, the idiot you’re arguing with isn’t the person you need to be concerned with, it’s the people who are reading this discussion who don’t have a set idea or opinion. There’s a guesstimation out there that about 80-90% of a community is made up of lurkers.

Plus, if your goal is to “convert” someone, who’s to say that they aren’t just agreeing with you to get out of the argument, yet they still hold onto their opinion? Who’s to say that they aren’t just feeble-minded and won’t just adopt the next most convincing-looking opinion out there?

So use the tips in that Lifehacker article, and be assertive. No questions, no pussing out, no name-calling. If they start calling names, you’ve won, like Schopenhauer wrote in The Art of Being Right. Go out there and be a tactful trolling prick, and take the high ground.

Cover your ass on the Internet

First Day On The InternetSome of you probably already know this shit, but there’s always someone who didn’t get the memo. I always see would-be trolls posting from what appears to be their IRL-based account. While “trolling” (posting image memes and being an inconsiderate dick to people online) seems to have become more socially acceptable or at least so common that no one is surprised by it anymore, there are two categories of people you need to look out for that may want to harm you or your reputation based on your thoughts and deeds. This is especially true on Facebook, which is a choice venue for Trollbase at the moment.

Anyway, the two categories of individuals are:

1) Individuals who disagree with you

2) Individuals who belong to groups that disagree with you

Category I individuals are people who become butthurt at your efforts. This is what happens when you put your arguments from your ego at the forefront, i.e. as in you would willingly dare to oppose their opinion and step on their ego. If you meet the wrong person (either they have no life or are extremely motivated to hurt you), they may do everything in their power from the Internet to harm you or your reputation. These can even be people you know IRL, since Facebook isn’t really the best at keeping things private.

Category II individuals can be more effective at shitting on you because they have strength in numbers.

How do I stop these assholes from shitting on my shit?

Simple: Don’t make yourself into an easy target, and don’t leave your information out in the open. Better yet, don’t make yourself a target at all. If you have to be so outspoken, more often than not it’s your ego that needs to check itself.

Don’t make yourself into a visible target

If you want to sum up this article: use a fucking pseudonym, use a new e-mail address, and make no references or connections to yourself that can be used to identify you.

First of all, voicing an opinion that is less than socially acceptable, whether in trollish jest or in total seriousness will have you branded as such. There are people who will try to harm you for declaring an opinion and will bar you from getting certain social opportunities. This isn’t written to scare you and it’s not like you’ll be scared anyway since you are a fearless troll warrior, but you may still want to get a job at Burger King in the meantime and you don’t want your boss to see your posts on public Facebook pages about Mitt Romney and Barack Obama having gay buttsex together.

Keep your troll life and IRL shit separate

Don’t add your friends to your troll accounts. It might be tempting to have your friends who are more Internet-savvy to join you on your adventures, and it’s good to have a friend like this, but it’s more than likely that you don’t have any friends like this. Keep this shit to yourself. Trolling can be srs bz. Plus it’s a good exercise in humbling yourself. What if some fuck decides to ask your “friend” who you are IRL? Either have some honorable, trustworthy friends or just hide your shit well.

So why hide your shit if you aren’t doing anything wrong?

“Avoid suspicion: when you’re walking through your neighbor’s melon patch, don’t tie your shoe.”
– Some old Chinese fuckers

You may not be doing anything wrong but you don’t need to look like you’re doing anything wrong either. Trolling looks wrong to many people since it’s associated with 4chan, Asperger’s, and hackers on steroids. If it doesn’t look like trolling, you’ll know you’re doing it right.

Lastly, I don’t wanna see my troll homies getting slandered by some butthurt asshole.

As for your government, if you aren’t doing anything illegal or weird that will get their attention, you’re okay. They probably already know what you’re doing if you’re important at all, so if you’re paranoid get a VPN or 10 proxies or something.

Arthur Schopenhauer – The Art of Being Right

So there was this old fuck named Arthur Schopenhauer. Apparently he was a ladies man, because he was a dick. Being a dick is half of being a troll, because trolls are reported to have dicks that make up at least half of their body mass.

He called it as he saw it when it came to women. This quote is not extracted from his essay “On Women,” but it sums up his thoughts:

Men are by nature merely indifferent to one another; but women are by nature enemies.

And then he took it a step further and penned a treatise named The Art of Being Right, which is a good starter text for any would-be troll who doesn’t want to dive balls deep into the Ancient Greeks. lol

In The Art of Being Right, Schopenhauer takes his knowledge of logical fallacy and other argumentative trolling tomfoolery and distills it into well-meted practical applications. Yes, you don’t have to be perfectly logical to make an argument, a simple piece of information, look like it’s worth more than gold. You could almost argue that it’s a satire and he’s picking apart the way other people make the most ridiculous arguments stand up in the face of truth.

While it may be “weak” to some to argue in this “dishonest” manner, it’s trolling. Ninja might as well be called weak for not fighting out in the open like the samurai with their bushido code of honor or whatever, but who gives a fuck, both of them get people dead. However it is the nature of the ninja to infiltrate and deceive. If you are too feeble to tell bullshit from truth, then you shouldn’t be arguing in the first place.

In the future, we will be discussing troll ethics.

4 Basic Online Forum User Archetypes

It is helpful to know which character to portray when sockpuppeting or otherwise becoming part of a community that you want nothing to do with except for troll purposes. These archetypes are what happen when one’s ego comes between mind and keyboard – it is stupid and these people should feel stupid.

For this concept, I have formulated a new acronym: PEBMAKProblem Exists Between Mind And Keyboard.

Anyway, these are some basic archetypes I’ve noticed in your everyday unaware forum users:

The Little Bitch

The little bitch is labeled as such because he bends over backwards to acommodate the community’s opinions and beliefs, often taking shit from the other users and loving it. He finds himself often unsure and has no opinion or critical thinking skills of his own. He is a pure useful idiot, but that’s just it: he’s an idiot. He just echoes others’ opinions for approval because he wants to belong.
The Little Bitch Forum Archetype
If he found another community before this one, he would’ve been a part of it too, sharing the same approved opinions of that community. These are probably one of the most common characters in friendlier online communities because these guys can sometimes take too much shit and get their feelings hurt in more tight-knit “elitist” communities.

It is good to create several sockpuppets of these to suck the dick of the Unique Faggot, described in the next entry. This will put your Unique Faggot at a great advantage.

The Unique Faggot

The opinionated Unique Faggot is the counterpart to the little bitch, the yin to little bitch’s yang. He often holds an opinion for the sake of having a slightly different, more complex or “better” version of the common opinion that is shared by the community, thus making himself more special and elevating his status above that of the rest of the horde.
The Unique Faggot Forum Archetype
Like the little bitch, he is a pure useful idiot except his ego wishes to have all of the glory and the power that comes with being part of a stupid online forum. In an online community, there is probably one of these per 10 members, and they often shit on and stand on the backs of Little Bitches to gain their forum ego-status. The more little bitches that they have on their cock, the bigger their egos and forum statuses grow. Some of the bigger ones even have entire hierarchical chains of little bitches and unique faggots forming the structure and basis of their ego-pyramid, and their opinion-influence trickles down, like imaginary wealth.

If there aren’t enough little bitches around and/or they haven’t been around the community for long, they are shunned down into Little Bitch-hood for that particular community. If not enough people think they’re cool or unique individuals or whatever, these tools go to other communities.

Because unique faggots often spur controversy and become a locus of influence, this is a key archetype to emulate with sockpuppets. Combine with your own array of Little Bitches, and your Unique Faggot will become talk of the town. You can create infights and tear apart entire online communities this way.

The Pseudo-troll

This little fucklord thinks he is a troll, so he says stupid shit and shits on threads like a retarded little baby getting spaghetti all over his face and his high chair eating tray. He adds nothing constructive to any discussion, and the pseudo-troll is often half of where Little Bitches get their shit from.

When it comes down to it, he is often a bored little loser that has a severe case of ADD/ADHD, and can’t formulate a single critical thought or opinion because it requires too much focus to do so. He just wants to stir shit up and have a giggle. Don’t we all? 😀

As he matures or settles down, he often evolves into a Unique Faggot if he is a big enough loser who hates his life enough to value his membership with that particular community. Otherwise, he will move on aimlessly from one forum to the next until he kills himself or has to go to the store to reload on some Doritos.

This is a good archetype to emulate with a sockpuppet in order to shit on or derail a given thread that you may not have the upper hand in. He may also double as a Little Bitch. YAY! GO BRUNHILDE! ❤

The Zealous Moderator

There’s always a couple of these moderators someplace. They often evolve from power-hungry Unique Faggots into Zealous Moderators if they have proven to be an egotistical gravitational center of member activity and discussion, i.e. he’s the talk of the forum because he’s so unique and cool. Administrators see that this Unique Faggot creates activity and discussion, and they like that their community is so active with discussion, so they put this guy in charge of part of their community to make them feel more special than they already feel.
Zealous Moderator Forum Archetype

What happens if you stoke the fires of the ego with moderation privileges? He becomes an even bigger asshole than before. He will shit on people for having different opinions, he will not foster constructive discussion and exchange of ideas, and he will lord his power with an egotistical iron fist.

This will work for you if your sockpuppet becomes one of these. It only gives you more influence in a given online community.

Am i doing it right?

If it resembles this, then yes.

Forum Archetype Sockpuppets